|Posted on May 3, 2012 at 2:05 PM|
Tarzan realizes that with only two boys left they are in a tight spot and Troyzan feels like he’s all alone. “Like I’m one man against all the women. And Tarzan.” Reward challenge reveals a bunch of dolls fashioned in the caricature of each of the players. And fire. Kat’s looks awesome, rocking a hoodie. The reward challenge involves being asked a series of questions where you then try to guess what the group as a whole said. Each time you get an answer right, you can chop someone else’s rope. Each rope gets three chops and then your lifelike Survivor dummy is burned alive. Slowly, gruesomely while everyone looks on. Winning player gets a trip by helicopter to a tropical island for a picnic. The questions are mean like, “Who would you stand and watch while they burned alive in their car? And PS, you could totally open the door and save them, but you prefer to just stand and watch. While sipping some tea. And eating popcorn.” “Who does not deserve to still be here?” (Christina) “Who would you trust with your life?” (Kim) “Who most needs a wake-up call in life?” (Kat) “Who is the biggest poser?” (Christina) “Who does the least for their tribe?” (Sabrina) “Who would you most like to be stranded with on an island?” (Kim) “Who do you hope to never see again after this game?” (Tarzan) and Kim wins! She takes Alicia and Chelsea with her and that puts Kat into a conniption that she didn’t get picked. But she’s really mad because, “Everyone thinks of me as a follower-ass player, like Christina.” Kat is a hungry woman scorned and she’s pissed. A random pig comes strolling in to camp and it goes all Lord of the Flies. “Get the rope!” “WE NEED AN AXE! CHRISTINA WE NEED AN AXE!” “Surround it!” “Kill the pig!” (Christina tweeted that she actually whacked it with the axe, but it just bounced off.) Immunity is a slip-and-slide challenge that involves gratuitous lubing sessions. Kim wins, and back at camp Troyzan is lobbying for people to side with him. He finds out that Kim is planning on splitting the vote and sending two votes at Christina – because Sabrina TOLD Christina they were voting for her – and so Troy plans to vote Christina and starts trying to get one more vote to get her out. At Tribal Troy says that the women all seem to believe that they are going to the end. And if they believe that then he’s “got some frickin’ ocean front property in Kansas I’ll sell you.” Jeff says, “I’m from Kansas, and there is no ocean front property.” The votes come in and the 11th person voted out and 5th member of the jury is…Troy. Before leaving he leans over and whispers into Kim’s ear, “Do it!”
Now seven players remain…
Back at camp, Kat is like, “What? Did you hear what he told me when he knocked on my shoulder? He’s like, ‘Do it.’ And I was like, ‘What?’ I don’t know, I guess he was giving me encouragement. Out of all the people he would pick me? Like, that was your final words…?”
They are then wondering how Christina got three votes against her and they tell Christina that Troy played her. Alicia is like, Christina is dumb. She really, really dumb. For real. Every time she opens her mouth, more dumb spills out. And Alicia noticed that Jonas was just looking at Christina with this, “What are you still doing here?!” gaze of wonder and confusion. But when Sabrina opens her mouth at Tribal Council she looks smart. The kind of smart that can sway a jury. And that’s the kind of smart that’s dangerous to Alicia, so Sabrina has to go.
Oh, and newsflash. In case you weren't away, just a little by the way, you all thought that Alicia was on the bottom? Well the jokes on you, fools! Alicia’s not worried, because people have said that she’s a misfit or that she’s sitting on the bottom. Oh no. Because little do they know that she is at the top controlling everything. She is the most powerful player in this game!
(Please excuse me for a few moments while I go and vomit. Repeatedly.)
Day 31 and time for Tree Mail. Alicia and Sabrina open the hutch and see the little wooden box with Sprint written on it and start freaking out. A Spring box can only mean one thing – Video Mail! It’s time for the messages from home.
We see Sabrina’s brother Tony and he hits us with some Maya Angelou style verse. “Hello, Sabrina. On the island, your absence is a void in everyone’s heart. Chocolate is the sound of my distant tears. As always you effervesce the aroma of woman in full bloom."
Alicia has a hot looking sister named Leticia who apparently had to work two doubles to make this trip happen. She is also super proud of Alicia and she loves her. Except, well, she hasn’t watched any of the shows on TV yet, so she might want to check some of that pride and love…
We see Chelsea’s and Christina’s dad. Apparently Christina’s dad had a kidney transplant last year and he’s only 53 and only has like 5 to 10 years to live. (Sad!)
We see Kim’s sister, Beth, who is also cute. We see Kat’s cousin, Robby, who is her best friend and the most important person in her whole life.
It seems like none of the girls are married, which is a bit odd. I mean, if you took a random demographic polling of 6 women aged 22 to Sabrina, you would figure at least ONE of them would be married. Right? And it's not like Kim and Chelsea are pretty hot looking. I can understand Kat not being married – she’s 22 and going to college – but Kim? You own a bridal shop! Weird? Anyone….?
Then, it’s time to solve one of the mysteries that has been plaguing man for, well, for a few weeks at least. It’s time to see a member of Tarzan’s family. Remember, we didn't get to hear Tarzan read the letter from home he purchased for $500. Was it the results of a class-action suit? Was it the board of plastic surgeons demanding that he stop name dropping them? Was it the Jeep repair shop with some more bad news? But this is not just any member of Tarzan's family; it's Tarzan’s wife. A woman who presumably spends time with him -- in the biblical sense -- by choice. What will she look like? Some super hot teenager in it for the money? Some plastic surgery nightmare gone so, so wrong? Perhaps a robot? Maybe a mannequin dressed up? That ball from the Castaway?
Turns out his wife, Terri, is pretty normal looking, maybe a bit of work done to the face, probably some boobery enhancements, but not the train wreck you’d expect to be married to Tarzan. Also, turns out they have been married for 30 years! So, clearly this woman is slated for sainthood.
Sabrina then starts crying about how some people really deserve to spend time with their family more than others. Like, they don’t have a lot of time left on this earth. Tarzan is 64 and doesn’t have any children. The other women should think about that and not be too selfish. Umm…you know, this is only a 39 day show. It isn’t like you’re going off to Shawshank or Siberia on a 30 year hitch. You signed up to play this GAME. And, PS, this is Day 31; the whole thing wraps in like a week. Stop the drama!
Also, I’d love to know about the trip the “loved ones” take. Like, it’s no commuter flight to Samoa, and if you flew 12-ish hours to basically get a quick hug and a “I got nothin’ for you!” from Probst, that would lick. Like *seriously* lick.
“Come on in, guys!” Reward challenge. Jeff mentions that they all had received a message from home on the Sprint Evo 3D phone. Tarzan says he now feels his wife’s spirit now that she is on this island. One by one the family all starts coming out.
Big long hug between Kim and sister. Christina’s dad comes sprinting out. “Kidney problem? What kidney problem?!” Chelsea’s dad comes running out and it's clear she has a typical southern girl, "I love my daddy!" relationship which is nice.
Sabrina’s big brother, Tony, kinda looks like a younger James but with a soul patch. He comes out like a lineman ready to sack a Sabrina.
Clearly the Sideshow Bob hair gene runs strong in Alicia’s family because her sister is rocking to big ‘do as well. Her sister also explains that they don’t express emotion in a regular way, and rather communicate through sarcasm.
Kat’s cousin comes out and she immediately goes into a rantic or something. It’s like they start communicating in high pitched squeaks and squawks. Kat bizarrely gets on her hands and knees and starts crawling to him. They have a, uh, VERY close cousin relationship. Like maybe Mississippi or West Virginia kinds of cousins, if you catch my drift. It reminds me a bit of that scene from Ferris Bueller.
“You have no idea, he’s the one who pushes me every day. We work together, we live together, we breathe together, he’s the most important person in my life! And he’s here ON THIS ISLAND WITH ME!” Kat says.
Then it’s time for Tarzan’s wife to come out. Tarzan gets down on one knee like he’s gonna propose or something. But he just stays there until his wife walks up and then she also kinda of kneels/squats down and they hug. Classic, weird, awkward Tarzan. He says, “We’re soul mates so we’re always connected. We have a quantum entanglement.”
I asked Dana if we have a quantum entanglement and she says she wasn’t sure. (shrugs)
“Let’s get to today’s reward challenge.” You’re attached to a rope that is tanged with a series of obstacles. You work your way through the entanglements, spooling out slack in the rope and the first one through the rope course wins and gets to go on a picnic with their loved one.
One more twist…your loved ones will be attached to you and will be running the course with you! (At this point I thought that I would really like to have my Navy SEAL cousin, Chris, be my loved one for this challenge. The hugging scene would have probably been similarly awkward, but the potential for a silent killing would have been like a 1000-times higher.)
Kim and Beth get through first obstacle and seem to really be moving along. Kat and Kousin start pulling ahead while meanwhile Sabrina and Tarzan are pretty much back at the start chatting, hugging and playing with knots. Kim, Chelsea and Kat are all right at the end while Jeff is yelling, “YOU WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR LOVED ONE, YOU’VE GOT TO MOVE! KEEP MOVING!”
And Kat and Robbie WIN REWARD! “I won one, guys! Come on!” But no one seems to be coming on. Undeterred, she breaks into a classic Kat dance and bow.
Kat gets to choose one person to come with her and she immediately chooses Kim. Kim not taking her on reward last week is apparently water under Kat's bridge. This Kitty Kat holds no grudges. Then Jeff says she can take one more person so she picks Alicia and explains that she’s been wanting to just hang out with these two girls for a very long time, just them, and to get her drunk on with some margaritas.
Sabrina says that Kat should have taken Tarzan and Chelsea says she should have taken Christina. Kim is like, “Wow, that was really selfish of Kat to not take Tarzan and Christina. I’m gonna have to do some major damage control back at camp.”
I don’t get this…when YOU take someone YOU want Kim, it’s cool. When Kat takes who she wants – incidentally YOU – it’s selfish. Also, I didn’t see you saying, “Oh, Kat! I would love to go, but, really, you should take Tarzan or Christina instead!” Easy to say how selfish Kat is when you are skipping and tra-la-la’ing your way to the reward picnic.
Kat is psyched that SHE WON! SHE ACTUALLY WON SOMETHING! “And I really deserved to win, dang it. I haven’t won anything!” She just wants to spend time with Kim and Alicia on a genuine friendship level. She’s just gonna eat her cake, get drunk and then deal with any issues back at camp.
Robbie asks, “So, what’s the dizzle?” Kat explains that it’s all women. Tarzan is in check. Sabrina is in check. They have been the final three locked down since day one. The conversation at the table is “seriously a confidential situation” according to Kat, and it’s clear that they are the final three for sure. (We can only assume that it is seriously confidential since the Specialist, Phillip Sheppard, was not around to confirm or deny.)
Kim, strategical, constantly on her game, Kim meanders over for a private beach talk with her sister, who seems just as squared away as Kim. Kim says that she thinks these two girls are her best bet to take all the way to the end, final three style. Kim says that Alicia thinks she can win but…
She also says that if Kat won she’d be on a show about how I won a million dollars and it ruined my life in a year and doesn’t know where she spent the money. Possibly true, but I bet there would be some EPIC parties in that year! Legen – wait for it, tons of drinking, partying every night, and I’m talking the good stuff, none of that comes-in-a-plastic-bottle gin and vodka – DARY!
Back at camp, Sabrina is furious that Kat didn’t take Tarzan and Christina with her. “Kat is a bratty 22 year old that doesn’t deserve to go to the end.” Then Chelsea proposes that they should all get together and vote out Kat. Since this will save Tarzan he of course TALKS HER OUT OF IT!
Tarzan: Can we talk dude to dude, bro to bro, mano-a-whatever it is you are? You are the ONLY GUY REMAINING! Do not talk the girls out of voting someone else out! Tarzan’s reasoning is that Kat is not a thinker and that you’d be smarter to vote out a thinking player.
After they return from reward, Chelsea tells Kim that everyone now wants Kat out first, but Kim tells Chelsea that she spend the day with Kat and Alicia and that those two don’t think that Kim and Chelsea are threats; that makes them dumb. You know who’s not dumb? Sabrina. She’s a thinker and thinking scares Kim. And because of all those crazy thoughts rattling around inside her Sabrina head she is persuasive and has a good shot at getting a lot of immunity votes, so she should go first.
“Come on in, guys! Once again immunity is back up for grabs!” Today’s challenge is standing on a ledge over the water, while you hold onto a handle behind your back. The handle is attached to a rope that is attached to a winch that Probst will slowly lower towards the water. Last man standing wins. Bonus, Evil Probst gets to live out his Spanish Inquisition fantasies! Sure it isn't burning anyone alive at the stake -- yet! -- but it is basically like racking someone and that's pretty frickin' sweet to the budding torturer lurking on our favorite reality host!
Probst slowly lowers the winch. After ten minutes, everyone is still in it. Sabrina suddenly stands up and steps out of the challenge. Then Tarzan jumps in.
“No matter how confident you feel in your alliance, you are CRAZY if you think you are absolutely safe!” Probst wheedles. “And I know of your plans for the rebel alliance. Why don’t you just make this easier on yourself and tell me. No…? You want more pain? You want it the hard way? Yes. I figured you’d say that. Hoped you say it, actually. As you wish…”
After 20 minutes Alicia announces she can’t do it anymore and she jumps in.
“I can’t do it, my fingers are slippin’,” Chelsea announces and then jumps in.
Probst says, “Christina is contemplating, 'Can I stay in a little longer…?'”
And Christina rhinks for about 3 milliseconds and then responds with, “I’m actually gonna jump; my finger is killing me,” and she jumps in and we are down to Kat and Kim.
Christina, Survivor Pro Tip" You don’t have to quit just because Probst was taunting you!
We jump cut to 1 hour and, “Perfect time to make it a little more difficult,” Probst says. “I know what kind of pressure it is adding to your body,” Probst says with glee. "The pain...it must be terrific and delicious. Like a million lightning bolts shooting through your muscles, as they quiver and throb, aching like a beautiful symphony..."
“I just want to win this one,” Kat says. “Kim wins all of ‘em. Come on, Kim…”
And then suddenly Kat falls into the water and she starts crying and KIM WINS IMMUNITY! Aww, Kat. It’s OK! You played strong! You stayed on that hateful log for over an hour, girl! No shame. And there’s no crying in baseball!
Kat says that she was just thinking about kicking Kim’s ass up there and how embarrassing it was to lose to someone who is 28 – 6 whole years older than her! “I love her more than anything in the world but I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to beat her in challenges.”
Alicia starts thinking that because Sabrina was the first to go in the challenge today – “Like, I could have beaten her!” – and that Kat played so hard – “she brought it! Home girl was giving it her all! And that is someone I don’t want to go up against if that is how she is going to be playing these challenges! All trying hard and not quitting and stuff” – meaning that Sabrina shouldn’t go yet and that it should be Kat to go.
Alicia and Sabrina feel it should be Kat, but Kim is still wanting it to be Sabrina because a bigger threat; she’s a thinker and a jury persuader and that can screw Kim over at the end. Chelsea says that she and Kim will agree 100% on the vote but that from here on out it’s gonna be a cat (Kat?) fight. So Kim goes around telling everyone how to cast the vote tonight…
After the jury comes in – Troyzan not looking all that much cleaned up and only about 1% less pissed – Jeff says, “So, Kat, we go from last week you’re devastated because you don’t get picked to go on reward to this week where you now have the good news/bad news scenario of getting to pick two people to go along with you.”
Kat says that having to pick people was the hardest thing she’s ever done in her life, but she’s says it while totally smiling/laughing so it doesn’t really SEEM like it was so hard. Kat says that it’s very frustrating and it does hurt her feelings to pick someone and that she just hates to see the their faces be mad.
Sabrina then says it’s just because Kat is 22, likes to have fun, she’s naïve and that she’s gonna regret not picking Tarzan and Christina. Most of the other people up there WOULD have picked Tarzan and Christina because of their loved-ones back story.
Kat says, hell yeah, I’m 22, I’m young, I’m hot, I wear hoodies, I make mistakes. Suck it. And what? Is this tribal gonna be the rag on Kat show, cause I didn’t know that’s what we were doing here.
Tarzan says that Kat is young and doesn’t have the life experience like an old man and she didn’t think about his circumstance or his wife or the hot, dirty-dirty jungle sex they had been planning, but that he doesn’t hold it against her because she’s 22 and things like this haven’t hit her yet and she’s too young to have experienced things in life.
Jeff then turns to Alicia and talks about the immunity challenge and how Sabrina just quit first, but maybe Sabrina is playing a game not to show herself like a physical threat. But she was shocked about Kat hanging in till the end. Sabrina then pipes up about Kat and voting with honesty and how you feel and maybe not necessarily voting for the best player to win if you piss her off.
Jeff then explains what Sabrina just said to Kat.
Kat then talks about loving blindsides.
And then it's time to vote... Kat votes Sabrina, “I love you SOOO much. But it’s time for you to go!”
Sabrina votes Kat. “Kat, you’re a little bit untamed to take to the top. I’m sure you’ll learn this life lesson later on.”
Time to read the votes… One vote Kat. Another vote Kat. Another vote Kat...
And the twelfth person voted out and the 5th member of our jury is…Kat!
Oh, she looked SO sad. It was heartbreaking sad, and she started crying walking down the bridge. Like sobbing, racking tears. Oh, Kat! You were SO much fun to watch and you played with your heart and your emotions were transparent and you seemed to be be a real person and to have a real joy for the game. I will miss you Kitty Kat…
“Well judging from Kat’s reaction," Probst probstulates, "that was a big o’le blindside and the message is pretty simple; if that can happen to her, then it can happen to you.”
In the confessional at the end Kat said, “I’m proud of myself, but like, I just don’t believe it was my time to go. And I left before Christina and Tarzan, like are you kidding?! I’m going to beg Jeff to let me play again so I can redeem myself!” Good for you, Kat! Hopefully we’ll see you on the island again!