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Random Thoughts (Blog)

Googling "incinerated testicles"

Posted on May 21, 2010 at 10:59 AM

As I’ve mentioned before, I am fascinated with my Website’s analytics. How many visitors do I get, where do they come from, what do they read, and how do they find me.

 

Google is the giantest repository for finding stuff, and I get my share of Googlers. Usually they wind up to me by searching “3D” or my name or (most recently) anything about Kaleidescape. But I do get the occasional random (and awesome) searches like “flower of dasvidaniya plant” or “south korea green packaging.” So, imagine my surprise when yesterday I see this little bit of information:


 


First, I *guess* I’m proud? surprised? disturbed? morbidly fascinated? that my site comes up as the SECOND result on Google when you search “incinerated testicles.” I mean, of all  the Websites in the WORLD, mine is the second leading authority on this subject. So I guess I’m pretty much expecting a flood of new burnt testicle related traffic. (Men’s Health takes the top spot with the topic “Exactly what happens to a man’s testicles once he has been castrated?” So, you know, I’m in pretty esteemed company.)

 

But, this search just raises oh *so* many questions.

 

First, why did someone in Blessington, Ireland *need* to know about incinerated testes? Was this some kind of medical emergency? Was he walking over to reach something from a top shelf and the lid of his George Foreman grill happened to slam down and shut on his man bits? Was he squatting down to pick something up and didn’t notice that kettle of boiling oil? Did he jump out of the shower and decide that his car's engine needed to be worked on that very second, clothes be damned? Did he run to his computer, holding his charred and melted jewels thinking, “Google, surely you can save me!” only to find my site and see a review of Remoticus Maximus? I can only take some solace in the fact that perhaps I offered him some bit of humor in his last betesticled moments…


Or perhaps in preparation for that once-a-year day of beach weather that Ireland gets, maybe he was doing a bit of research prior to giving himself an in-home Brazilian. How hot should the wax be? If you don’t have access to wax, could you use, say, a curling iron or perhaps one of the eyes on your stovetop? Perhaps then Remoticus distracted him from the task at hand and helped to make him more comfortable with what must be truly unnatural body hair.

 

Now Irish cuisine can be a bit odd, so perhaps he was looking for a new way to prepare mountain oysters (or the far more awesomely titled “Montana tendergroins”). Maybe he was tired of always undercooking them, and wanted to know if someone could offer some bits of wisdom on cooking, uh, bits.

 

Or was it something more nefarious? Perhaps it was a jilted woman who’d thought she’d up the ante on Lorena Bobbitt and her penis chopping by going with full-on scrot burning. Maybe she was looking for instructions on HOW to properly incinerate testicles, proven techniques from the masters of this dark and cruel art. In that case, I can only hope that Remoticus swayed her from her path down the dark and burny side.

 

I fear we’ll never know the answer to these questions or the many, MANY others that a search for “incinerated testicles” raises. But ifyou should ever return, oh Irish testicle incinerator, please let us know!

Categories: May 2010, Bizarre

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10 Comments

Reply Keely
11:27 AM on May 21, 2010 
I appreciate your musings on this gent's wayward search. I asked and you answered. Thank you.
Reply robinson26.2@hotmail.com
11:10 PM on May 21, 2010 
It was a hot, steamy night in Honolulu . A ritual that most woud find strange and unnecccesary ( if not obscene )was about to be performed on the willing victim. Standing in the dimly lit hotel room, his naked legs slightly spread he awaited the familiar rush of heat, smoke and acrid odor accompanied by the sound that can only be describe as a small forest fire. After the first salvo of pubic hair incineration the air was quickly fanned in an attempt to dissipate the grey cloud. The last thing any of them wanted was the fire alarm and sprinkler system to be activated. Although the victim was used to the potential complications, his accomplices needed to be calmed. Thier shrieks of mirth and hilarity were threatening to awaken parents in the adjoining room.
Being hirsute and chaetophobic is a most unfortunate marriage. Imagine if you will long, curly , wiry black hairs, far too numerous to count attempting a mass exodus from beneath the edge of your bathing suit or shorts. Not only is it unsightly it 's a potential death sentence. What if these thin fiends were to become entangled in something, say the spokes of a bicycle wheel or the blades of a hand mixer? You get the point , need I say more? The problems associated with pubic hair burning are far more numerous than most persons imagine. Sure, there's the obvious incinerated testicles that come to mind but let me tell you, there's plenty of other stuff down there that I wouldn't recommend holding a lit match to. Another potential disaster I would like to mention that most lay persons forget is that hair is incredibly flammable. I mean the stuff burns like a gas soaked rag. Although I detest any body hair below about the level of the the eyelashes I have come to terms with the hair on my head and we maintain a civil if not friendly relationship. When it begins to bother me every 4th week or so, I punish it by hiring a professional attack on it with methodical cuts.
If you must know, one of my two Hawaiian accomplices, the holder of the match was none other than............. John Sciacca!! How quickly we forget eh Johnny boy? You yourself were a hairs breadth from being a testical incinerator yourself! As they say, what goes around comes around and the dog returns to his own vomit!
I was compelled to write this post in tender defence of my new Irish friend who, although I will most likely never meet, must bear this burden half a world away. Take care my friend, take care.
Reply John Sciacca
9:25 AM on May 22, 2010 
robinson26.2@hotmail.com says...
If you must know, one of my two Hawaiian accomplices, the holder of the match was none other than............. John Sciacca!! How quickly we forget eh Johnny boy?

Repressed.....memories.....resurfacing.....! Ohhh, the burning, the horrible, horrible burning! I was more thinking that you'd mention something about our favorite Nepenthe statue, however this is far more apropos and monstrous. I will say it's true, every word, but that this poster is also family, so I guess what they say is true; blood IS thicker than burning pubes...
Reply Dana
3:50 PM on May 22, 2010 
Chris' account of the "incident" in Hawaii is quite disturbing. Quite disturbing indeed.
Reply John Sciacca
4:21 PM on May 22, 2010 
Dana says...
Chris' account of the "incident" in Hawaii is quite disturbing. Quite disturbing indeed.

Chris is too busy doing other things with knives and fire.....this Robinson is all Gabe. I wonder if the match has been passed to Jill? (Shudder.....)
Reply Craig
2:32 PM on May 23, 2010 
The original story (guy from Ireland) was disturbing enough...now to add Honolulu into it, as a Honolulu resident, has disturbed me even more.
Reply robinson26.2@hotmail.com
7:33 PM on May 23, 2010 
That was in my younger crazy years. Now I just use a razor. Stay smooth ya'll
Reply Dan
11:56 PM on May 23, 2010 
Reading all of this is like watching Rocky Balboa taking a beating from Mr T.
John- You've got to get out of there! Get us all off this subject and start writing like you've never written before! You need to rapid-fire unrelated topics to help us all forget about this horror. Perhaps, in time, much time, what they say about tragedy becoming comedy will ring true. But I'm afraid that in this case, the best that one will be able to muster is a nervous giggle, at best, without being able to look you in the eyes.
Oh!!! It won't go away!!! The mental picture of the three cousins in that room!!! I'm gonna go back and look intently at the picture you posted of that Author. Much more calming. Feeling more relaxed. Good nite...
Reply Andrew
2:33 PM on June 1, 2010 
John Sciacca says...
Repressed.....memories.....resurfacing.....! Ohhh, the burning, the horrible, horrible burning! I was more thinking that you'd mention something about our favorite Nepenthe statue, however this is far more apropos and monstrous. I will say it's true, every word, but that this poster is also family, so I guess what they say is true; blood IS thicker than burning pubes...



So was this some childhood dare or was it "you burn mine & I'll burn yours"? And how exactly does one come to the conclusion that taking a FLAME to your testicles is the best option for hair removal? I have to say, I've done some pretty crazy things in my day, but burning another dudes pubes?....Seriously?
Reply robinson26.2@hotmail.com
11:15 PM on June 2, 2010 
Alright you sickos, I should have known that you would take my out of control phobia and drag it through the mud. You mock what you cannot understand! Let me set the record straight once and for all and then we'll have no more of this talk. Listen up, because I'm only going to say this once. I was NOT naked during the hair fire. I said my LEGS were naked. Get it? EL EEE GEE ESS. Not one hair in the critical (and controversial) area was harmed during the episode. The reason I chose a flame rather than a razor is that SHAVING one's legs is for girls and cyclists. BURNING the hair is what a real man does (or so I thought at the time). Look I'm a homo-sapian not a homo-apian. Hair is for apemen. Think about it, the greatest and most talented figures in history were sans hair. Telly Savalas, Yul Brenner, Lt. Ilia in Star Trek the movie (1979) Dr. Evil. Hell, even Britney Spears fiigured it out. What about our space brothers, the aliens? We all know how smart they are. Can you imagine a Martian with a full head of hair or a mustache? Ridiculous you say ! Preposterous you say! Yes it is I say! As for the Irishman who started this all I stand by him. It's he who had the balls to well.... burn his balls.



So was this some childhood dare or was it "you burn mine & I'll burn yours"? And how exactly does one come to the conclusion that taking a FLAME to your testicles is the best option for hair removal? I have to say, I've done some pretty crazy things in my day, but burning another dudes pubes?....Seriously?
[/Andrew]