|Posted on May 21, 2010 at 10:59 AM|
As I’ve mentioned before, I am fascinated with my Website’s analytics. How many visitors do I get, where do they come from, what do they read, and how do they find me.
Google is the giantest repository for finding stuff, and I get my share of Googlers. Usually they wind up to me by searching “3D” or my name or (most recently) anything about Kaleidescape. But I do get the occasional random (and awesome) searches like “flower of dasvidaniya plant” or “south korea green packaging.” So, imagine my surprise when yesterday I see this little bit of information:
First, I *guess* I’m proud? surprised? disturbed? morbidly fascinated? that my site comes up as the SECOND result on Google when you search “incinerated testicles.” I mean, of all the Websites in the WORLD, mine is the second leading authority on this subject. So I guess I’m pretty much expecting a flood of new burnt testicle related traffic. (Men’s Health takes the top spot with the topic “Exactly what happens to a man’s testicles once he has been castrated?” So, you know, I’m in pretty esteemed company.)
But, this search just raises oh *so* many questions.
First, why did someone in Blessington, Ireland *need* to know about incinerated testes? Was this some kind of medical emergency? Was he walking over to reach something from a top shelf and the lid of his George Foreman grill happened to slam down and shut on his man bits? Was he squatting down to pick something up and didn’t notice that kettle of boiling oil? Did he jump out of the shower and decide that his car's engine needed to be worked on that very second, clothes be damned? Did he run to his computer, holding his charred and melted jewels thinking, “Google, surely you can save me!” only to find my site and see a review of Remoticus Maximus? I can only take some solace in the fact that perhaps I offered him some bit of humor in his last betesticled moments…
Or perhaps in preparation for that once-a-year day of beach weather that Ireland gets, maybe he was doing a bit of research prior to giving himself an in-home Brazilian. How hot should the wax be? If you don’t have access to wax, could you use, say, a curling iron or perhaps one of the eyes on your stovetop? Perhaps then Remoticus distracted him from the task at hand and helped to make him more comfortable with what must be truly unnatural body hair.
Now Irish cuisine can be a bit odd, so perhaps he was looking for a new way to prepare mountain oysters (or the far more awesomely titled “Montana tendergroins”). Maybe he was tired of always undercooking them, and wanted to know if someone could offer some bits of wisdom on cooking, uh, bits.
Or was it something more nefarious? Perhaps it was a jilted woman who’d thought she’d up the ante on Lorena Bobbitt and her penis chopping by going with full-on scrot burning. Maybe she was looking for instructions on HOW to properly incinerate testicles, proven techniques from the masters of this dark and cruel art. In that case, I can only hope that Remoticus swayed her from her path down the dark and burny side.
I fear we’ll never know the answer to these questions or the many, MANY others that a search for “incinerated testicles” raises. But ifyou should ever return, oh Irish testicle incinerator, please let us know!