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Survivor: One World - Total Dysfunction

Posted on February 23, 2012 at 1:20 PM

My plan was not to blog this season of Survivor, but I have goaded so many people into watching against their will that now I feel a bit obligated to at least cover a few episodes... Blarg! (Also, and unrelated, this happens to be my 600th blog post. So, thanks for reading!)


The second episode (Day 4) begins with a recap of where we are…Fancy boy, Colton feels alienated in his alpha-male tribe, the strong boys have an alliance of four, the pretty-young girls have an alliance of five, Sabrina found an Immunity Idol but had to give it away and gave it to Colton, Nina got hit in the face by a bag of bees (speculation), Alicia and Christina hate each other and Kourtney broke her wrist in the first challenge and is the first contestant out… (My full cast rundown and Episode 1 blog is here.)


The girls return from Tribal and who should meet them at their camp but banker, Michael. “Uh, just FYI. I took care of your guys fire the entire time you were gone. And I refinanced all of your loans, did some asset reallocation, set up on-line banking, changed all of your PIN codes -- really Kat? 1-2-3-4? -- and managed to do a little personal grooming. So, you know, FYI, you're all fully FDIC insured.”


Kat reminds us that SHE is the fire person. I’m not sure exactly what that means since we’ve never seen her do anything with the fire and she looks like if she were to get near the fire she would only manage to cut and burn herself before putting only  succeeding in putting the fire out. But apparently Kat and Hephaestus are like one and the same.


Christina and Alicia have a ladies hug-out and maybe/kinda clear the air. Except if Alicia ever sees Christina drowning in the ocean, she’ll probably look the other way. So, they’re definitely besties for sure. Alicia also describes Nina as looking “like a bag of rocks…and I don’t even know what that analogy means.” I *think* she means that Nina LOOKS like she got hit in the face by a bag of rocks, cause girl’s face is looking beat! Seriously, does she NOT look like the people from the Twilight Zone “The Eye of the Beholder” ep?!



Next morning the ladies have a powwow and declare Sabrina Grand Chancellor Valorum of the tribe. She moves for immediate sanctions against the Separatists and promises to hunt own ALL remaining Jedi! She also says that “managing the airheads is gonna be exhausting.”



She also sets up a water, food, shelter system for the tribe which seems to immediately fail. For some reason Kat can’t get bananas on her own and can ONLY get bananas with her partner. Kat, honey, this isn’t BUD/S; you don’t need a swim buddy everywhere you go.


The ladies wander through the jungle and discover an enormous crate. It’s the first Reward Challenge. They need to carry it to a neutral location and have a battle royale against the men. Bill starts reading the instructions and mysteriously adopts a Madonna-British accent. “Hear ye, hear ye…” He IS a comedian so I guess it was funny...


It is a do-it-yourself challenge which means that Probst was too busy at the Samoa Ritz Carlton to be bothered to get to location to oversee this challenge. “Look. Just give them some crates and instructions; they’ll figure it out! Now, get room service up here with that masseur and bottle of Fiddich 25-year I asked for!”


The winner of the challenge gets a giant ass tarp to keep the rain out. The challenge is to untie this super knotted rope that is holding a hoop in the middle that basically looks like Pippy Longstocking’s hair got in a fight with Snoop Dogg.



I actually thought the girls were gonna win this because of smaller hands, and basically because Dana is way better at untying knots in our family. But, the men win.


Losing that damn challenge hurt Sabrina’s soul. She says they needed that tarp like a fat kid needs cake. But, to be accurate, fat kids absolutely do NOT need cake. In fact, cake is the LAST thing a fat kid needs. Fat kids need plenty of water and exercise and maybe a fiber bar. They may WANT cake, but, well, you know what they say about fat kids and cake… (something something, lose-a-foot-to-diabetes...) Keeping the cake theme alive Michael says that winning that challenge is the icing on the cake and that they’re going to have the best tribe in history. Their tribe is gonna be so cool, the pens aren't even going to have those little chains on them!


So the guys are all building camp, making shelter, unfurling the tarp and basically working chop-chop, cut-cut, build-build away. Except, not all of the guys. Colton is pretty much doing nothing. Well, not nothing. He did find a swing to play in.



Colton seriously just swishes around the camp, whining and doing nothing. Well, he does roll his eyes a few times. If they could somehow harness that energy, the guy's camp would be watching DirecTV and drinking champ by Santana. And the guys aren’t oblivious to it. Colton clearly HATES the boys and wants nothing to do with them; a pretty solid strategy in a game that relies heavily on making social bonds and alliances where you are going to be LIVING with these people in close quarters for the forseeable future.


So, instead of pitching in and helping the boys and doing anything useful at his camp, Colton waltzes over to help the girls work on their camp, weaving palm fronds and putting glitter on stuff and bedazzling things and whatnot. Even the girls tell him to go back and try bonding with his team. Apparently the ONLY thing Colton has in common with the boys is having an extra appendage, and with the way Colton acts, I’m even questioning that. Being with the girls is a release for Colton and he loves the girls more than anybody on the island. I think that Colton is the perfect definition of a pocket gay.


Except the girls didn’t come on Survivor to get their own personal pocket gay and Colton is bugging the crap out of them. He’s one of those hanger-on guys that is just always around, lurking, annoying, clinging. “Colton why are you over here?”


The girls make up some excuse – “We, uh, need to start building some centrifuges to, uh, prepare for our uranium enrichment program! You know, secret stuff. So, you gots ta go!” “Oh! Please! Can I come back later at least? Maybe? Pinky swear?” So Colton sashays back to his tribe. He can’t be with the boys and the girls don’t want him. Oh, and PS. It’s day 4. SACK UP, MAN! You are on Survivor! Thousands of people would like to be out there in your place! Ugh! Do NOT ruin this season for me, you!


Colton apparently hears me because he then returns to the girl’s camp and starts pouring his heart out crying and begging to hang out with them. “Please! If I could take off my pee-pee and join your tribe I totally would, y’all! I just need to be with you girls! Can’t you see! I’m not playing a game here! Seriously! You can call BS if you want but I just need to be around my girls, y’all!” Barf!


The girls have had their fill of the Colton show as well. “It’s just not an option for us to have you over here all the time. We just can’t.”


Back at the boy’s camp, to chants of “Tarzan! Tarzan! Tarzan!” Greg – wearing something that was probably meant for someone much younger and smaller and to be shielded under several layers of clothes – does a fire dance. There is a lot of thrusting and shaking. And Colton likey.




With his spirits buoyed, Colton decides that he is going to regroup and make a go of life iat camp Boy. So he decides to tell Bill and Leif and Troy and sushi Jonas that he has an idol and he is going to play it at the next Tribal. It is a mind-blower to the team.


Somehow Colton doing absolutely nothing and just being GIVEN an idol by the girls makes him a “freak of nature” and “ridiculously smart” in Jonas' eyes. Uh, OK…


Anyhow, until Colton can break free of the nightmare which is life on the boy’s tribe, he is creating a “misfit alliance” of himself, Troy, Leif, Jonas and Tarzan. And he is their pastel and glitterfied king. None hail, King Colton! And now all of a sudden it is Colton’s world and the show should be called “Survivor Colton.” Clearly they were burning something in that fire that we missed at home…


Jump cut, zip-zap and we’re at the immunity challenge. I can only imagine the producers coming up with this one. “We want to get all of the women to do something where they are wearing nothing but their bathing suits. Then, um, I don't know, they have to totally hug and rub on each other. Yeah. That. Preferably over-and-over. And if they could be wet that would be SWEET! And is there ANY WAY to just guarantee some awkward boob-on-boob action. Thoughts? Brainstorm!”


The clear solution is a balance beam where people have to walk past their teammates one at a time while only touching one person. If you touch two people at any point, then you have to jump into the water and start over.



Again, I thought the girls might have the advantage here because of balance and that they are physically smaller. Though I *kinda* hoped the guys would just pick up Little Leif and chuck him all the way onto the final mat area. (Didn’t happen.) Kat goes first and second and third and fiftieth time for the women and she JUST…CAN’T…GET IT! Over and over Kat is back in the water.


Meanwhile the guys are getting guys to the end. Even Jeff says, “Kat may not be the best person to go on the end…” Kat even jumps into the water when she doesn’t have to. Not once but twice! Just randomly jumps in. Maybe she got hot out there, I don’t know. That Samoan sun can do crazy things to little blonde-heads. Monica decides to do it and just rocks it straight to the end. (I am totally digging that gal. She may be the second oldest but she is FIT and seems squared-away.) If it was a challenge of the ladies getting ONE player to the end before the men got EVERYONE to the end, they would win. But it isn’t. And..MEN WIN IMMUNITY!


Not once but twice the ladies blame their losing on having boobs. Somewhere girl power burst into flames and exploded in disbelief.


Back at camp the girls decide to chat it out. And even though Kat CLEARLY is the biggest reason that they lost, the girls don’t want to just put it on her. “We just need to do better, girls! We can do it! We’ve got good energy! Let’s channel it! Go Team!”


Twisted by the power of the Dark Side, Nina’s face is having none of it. Kat is a dumb blonde, a dumb broad, a complete idiot, ignorant, nitwit, and dumb as a rock, plain and simple, and she has to go. I’m beginning to think that Nina doesn’t like Kat, but I’m not totally sure… Nina starts using her Jedi mind powers on Monica and they decide that Kat is the one that should be going home.


Then at 31 minutes 36 seconds in, Kat does what every genteel, well-bred southern society lady does at a gathering of other society ladies.. She gently sets down her cup of tea, dabs at the crumbs on her lips and then walks up to Alicia and farts on her! Yes. You can clearly hear it followed by, "Eww, Kat! That's gross!" Perhaps this is just the most lady-like thing she can think of. Ah, Kat! You’re just so cute and funny! Actually, no. You’re not. You’re lame and annoying. (OK, you ARE cute. I wasn't lying about that part.) Maybe you should swap places with Colton; he actually acts more like a girl than you do.


 


Nina continues campaigning against Kat and gets the young girls to SERIOUSLY think about booting Kat out of their alliance. After some hush-hush talk, we cut to Tribal where Dr. Probst is IN SESSION. Jeff is quick to point out that the women are “only five days in and you’re off to one of the worst starts EVER in this game!” To be fair, we’ve only had three challenges, and being 0 for 3 at the start of Survivor isn’t all that unusual…


Dr. Probst starts digging. “Ladies, tell us about yourselves. Nina. What do you bring to the table?”


“I’m a frickin’ bad ass chick, Jeff. Seriously. Look at my face, Jeff! You think these other girls could go the full distance with Apollo Creed AND volunteer their face for medical research experiments and still be out here? No way! My 13 years on the LAPD trained me for this. I’m ready to bust down doors, take charge, and pepper spray anything that stands in my way! But enough about me, Jeff. I want to challenge Kat to a fight to the death right here! Weapon of choice: rusty knives and discarded medical syringes!”


In response Kat says, “I’m outdoors and I do sales and I work with people all the time and, umm…I’m young!”


Kat reiterates again and again that she is the youngest on the tribe and doing the best she can and she’s just so excited and she’s a great athlete.


Nina pipes up defining the three things that make a great athlete. “Athletic ability, the ability to handle pressure, and to be smart. And to be able to choke the life out of a perp and plant evidence when needed. Those three things. And, Kat is dumb. Like really stupid dumb. She's really really dumb. For real. So she is NO athlete!


Kat meanwhile is just sitting there with her head down, swaying and rocking back and forth like maybe she either is having some kind of far-away autism moment or maybe she secreted some earbuds onto the island and she’s privately digging some Eminem and Jay-Z or something.


Kat then tells Jeff that she never fails. Jeff, ever the sensitive one, follows up with, “What?! You?! You have NEVER failed at anything before in your life? We are talking about you here, right, and not some imaginary Kat that is better and more awesome. Did I hear that right?”


Kat clarifies, “Well, what I MEANT was, I never try anything unless I know that I’m going to succeed. Like Miss Apple Pie contest and Miss Cutest Bangs contest and I am GREAT at telling blonde jokes! I never fail at those!”


Jeff clarifies. “So, you’ve just never really tried anything, right? What are you, like 8? What is with that rocking back and forth?! What in the hell are you listening to over there?! Let's get this nightmare over with!”


Blah-blah-blah, time to vote and the young girls stick together and vote Nina off who is immediately rushed off to a private clinic in Switzerland for complete facial reconstruction. 2 Survivors down, 16 remain…


As always, for a much better and more wicked take on Survivor blogging, I encourage you to read Collete Lala's recap here...

Categories: February 2012, TV, Reviews

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