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Want to sell stuff? Call it 3D! (Suckers!)

Posted on May 21, 2010 at 1:27 PM

Getting ready this morning, I went to swipe on my deodorant and was SHOCKED to see something that I’d never noticed before. Forget about stupid 3D TV; my deodorant is 3D, baby! I've been livin' the 3D life for weeks and didn't even know it, playa!

How could I have never noticed this? Why haven't I ditched ALL of my Polo shirts and gone to a wardrobe solely of muscle shirts to let my 3D freak flag fly? I always just assumed that the tingly, burning under my arms was some reaction to the Aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrex gly, you know, the early warning signs that Alzheimer's would one day set in. Wrong! That was just the feeling of 3D!

Clearly, this level of odor fighting power was what Rancid Crabtree needed. An extra dimension of odor protection that addresses the height, width and depth of your body’s foul and totally unnatural B-Odor. (Actually, that guy’s BO was attacking me in the fourth dimension – time – as well. His thick, musky, near poisonous odor embedded itself into our store on a molecular level. But, 3D is the best defense we have going so far, so until Gillette gets with the program, I’d suggest just avoiding Rancid at all costs.)


Since I was heady from smelling so 3-Dazzling, I decided to Google incinerated testicles other non-TV related 3D items. Turns out that slapping 3D on something instantly makes it the “NEW! BETTER!” much like calling things “HD” several years ago was the marketing shizzle. (If you’ve never read my “review” of HD Glasses, I invite implore demand that you do so now….)


Women are clearly far more in tune with the third D of odor, because it seems like only men's products are offered. In fact, Dial adds a stern "FOR MEN" warning onto their 3D Body Wash. Perhaps their extra dimension is a massive healthy dose of testosterone that wouldn't, you know, sit well with their lady customers.

"Honey, have you been using my 3D body wash?"

"Why no, of course not."

" honest. You've started growing a chin-beard and an Adam's apple!"

"Leave me alone before I get Medievel on your ass! Now go find me a blouse that covers my cleavage hair!"

The folks at Auto Detailing Products are no dummies either. When their line of "High Definition Car Care" products started getting dusty on the shelves -- you know that they were only 720P and probably just 60-Hertz refresh. Like that's high definion! -- they launched a whole NEW line:

Plus, if you aren't down with the D-D-Ds, then what's better than a Home Run? A GRAND SLAM! Frankly, I'm not sure that the paint job on my 98 Civic is up to the rigors of a full 3D cleaning, but I'd love to hear how it works on your car.


Categories: May 2010, 3D TV

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1 Comment

8:34 PM on May 22, 2010 
The 3D association has more to do with breast sizing than geometry. Remember, sex sells.